Thursday, January 3, 2013

His Letter

This video highlights a couple, Jennifer and Heath White, 
and their little girl, Paisley.
It was featured on ESPN's E:60.
When they found out Paisley would be born with Down Syndrome,
the husband, Heath White, was adamant his wife abort her.
Now, he couldn't imagine his life without her.
While we don't share many of the same viewpoints, I can empathize with their fears.
After watching, I felt compelled to write a similar letter.
But before doing so, I looked back at the journal I kept along my journey to become a mother. I read all the letters I wrote to Baker, before I even knew he was going to be my Baker. I contemplated sharing them with you, but they are raw, emotional, personal. And while I try to share details of our life, that's a sacred time I think I will keep tucked away in my journal.
The first is dated January 5, 2011. It was written just three weeks before I would miscarry.
I have another written October 27, 2012 when I was eight and a half weeks pregnant with Baker. The next one to him was written on December 21. That was the day I received the phone call with the results of the quad screen. That page has tear stains smearing my writing.
There were several others.
Words of longing.
Words of joy.
Words of hope.
Words of love.
Words that take me right back to my favorite maternity jeans, fluttering and quickly-blossoming belly, and the taste of citrus evidencing my insatiable craving - navel oranges.
Letters are good. Writing is good.
I see why Heath chose to write a letter to Paisley.
I haven't written a letter to Baker since we brought him home from the hospital.
Rather, I have been living out my love letter to him.

So here goes,
a letter that I will share with him,
just like the many others I wrote along our journey.
A letter that shows our love for him, our unwavering desire for him.
His letter.
My Dearest Baker,
I never knew my heart could love in such a way,
until I became a mommy, your mommy.
Your daddy and I prayed for you long before we met you,
and we pray for you still.
Before you were born, we prayed for a baby.
We never knew God would give us such an incredible little boy to love so much.
We pray we will be godly parents that teach you
most importantly, to love the Lord,
to put the needs of others before your own,
to respect others, and in turn, respect yourself,
to stand up for what you believe in.
When I look at you, I see what I want to be.
I see a little boy with a big heart.
A heart that loves life.
Oh, how you love life.
You love reading, and playing, and listening to your daddy play the guitar, and you even love your mommy's singing.
Your smile is contagious, infectious.
Your laugh, your words, your entire being exudes joy.
I see a little boy with a big fight.
Never once have I seen you give up.
You, my sweet boy, are my hero.
You take each day, each struggle, each difficulty, and you strive, and you work, and you overcome it.
You have just enough stubborn in you to surpass all expectations,
regardless of the many hindrances in your way.
You grunt, and you get red-faced, and you get mad.
Boy, can you get mad.
But, you stick with it - whatever it is.
And you do it.
And you love it.
And I love it, too.
I see a little boy with a big spirit.
You want to make other people happy.
When you see me smile, you continue doing whatever it is,
just to keep me smiling.
Oh, how I love this about you.
I see a little boy with a big influence.
You, in your short seven months,
have touched more lives than I could ever dream.
I am a better person for being your mommy.
People gravitate towards you.
They pray for you, they love on you,
they hope and fight and work alongside you,
to make sure you know you are special.
Baker Bell, don't you ever forget that.
You are special.
And not because of an extra chromosome.
You are special because God made you.
And He made you just right.
And I am so, so thankful that He gave you to me.
Your mommy and daddy love you.
To the moon and back,
from your head to your toes and all the sweet spots in between,
with our whole hearts,
we love you more than you will ever know.
Your family, your friends, your teachers, your therapists, even people you have never met, love you.
You are our answered prayer, our miracle, our fighter,
our dream come true,
our Baker Boy.
I love you forever,
Your Mommy

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