Waves

I started blogging shortly after Baker was born. It was a wonderful means by which to share our new addition with family and friends, but it was also something more. God called me out upon the waters to be open and transparent about our journey in raising a child with Down Syndrome. He equipped me with a boldness I had never known for His name to be glorified for what he was doing in our lives. Over the next three years, I began to blog less and less about Down Syndrome and more about life because Down Syndrome became less and less our life and more just a part of our life. The emotions and fears that were so raw and so present began to subside and were replaced with encouragement and hope for the future. But some days, even days more than three years later, a conversation, or a seed of discouragement, or a label tossed about flippantly brings back the waves of emotion so big they threaten to pull my feet right out from under me and leave me fighting for breath. 

 

 

 

 

 

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my soul could ever wander 

That my faith would be made stronger 

In the presence of my Savior."

 

 

Original post on July 17, 2012.

Emotions, for me, are like waves. Some are so big, they pull my feet right out from under me and leave me fighting for breath. Others are soothing, comforting, rafts upon which I find comfort and solace.

The emotions I have experienced upon learning of Baker's diagnosis have been no different. From the dark December day we learned there was a heightened chance of our child being born with Down Syndrome, to this cheery day with sunshine illuminating all, emotions have abounded. What began as fear, uncertainty, trepidation, bitterness, and worry, intense worry...emotions so strong, they pulled me under, drowning me, have transpired into joy, unspeakable joy, a wave begging to be ridden.

For me, fear lies in the unknown. How will Baker's kindergarten classmates accept him? Will he share his daddy's passion for the outdoors and be able to hunt and fish and do all things boy? Will he drop a love note in his crush's locker? Will he be sent to detention for shooting spitballs at the ceiling? Will I get to see my son wait for his bride at the end of aisle? Will he make me a Nana? Will he? Will he? Will he? All questions a mother asks herself as she anticipates her child's future. When I think about these things, these things that pale in comparison to the one dream I should have for my son, then I worry, then I am sucked under by the crashing waves. 

But when I trust God with Baker's life, He reminds me of my one responsibility as Baker's mommy. It has nothing to do with his life on this Earth and everything to do with spending Eternity with my son. When I focus on raising my boy to live a life glorifying his Father, then I have peace. The worry disappears, and I have faith in God's plans for our lives.

Grab your boards, folks, cause that's a wave worth catching and riding all the way to the shore!

Barrett is One Month Old!

Dear James Barrett,

Just one short month ago, your daddy and I were checking into the hospital preparing to meet you. We were still wondering if you would have your daddy's beautiful green eyes, or your mommy's nose, or your big brother's extra kissable lips.

My sweet boy, this has been the fastest and the sweetest 31 days of my life.

You have changed our lives in the most incredible way. Our hearts have doubled in size to know a love that can only be described as utterly indescribable.

You love to eat, and you keep me on a tight schedule. I prayed and prayed about breastfeeding you.

I wanted it so badly, and my precious angel, you do it so naturally. It is such a blessing and has bonded us in the most incredible way. You like to eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, and go almost a 4 hour stretch during the night. It's no wonder you're growing like a weed!

 

 

Just like your big brother, you love bath time! When you were first born, you just sat and soaked in the warm water while I bathed each of your wonderfully made parts. But now, you kick in delight and wriggle with each splash.

 

You have started holding your head up and turning it from side to side. You love to lay on your daddy's chest and pull up and squirm until your cheeks are touching. You love attention. You want to be held and we eagerly oblige. You love when others talk and sing to you and around you. You are so attentive and want to be included in everything, except when you sleep. And boy, you still love your sleep. It would be so easy to lay you down for your naps, but I just cannot. You spend most of your naps snuggled in my arms with me just watching you sleep. It's such a beautiful, fleeting sight, and I don't want to miss a single breath.

 



 

 

You are crazy about your big brother, Baker, and he is crazy about you! He would hold you all day if we would let him. He loves to share his favorite books to you. He kisses your forehead a gazillion times a day. And you coo the most joy-filled sounds when he sings "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." One of my life's greatest gifts is getting to see him love you. I cannot wait to watch you two grow together.

 



 

 

Little Bear, as you have been affectionately named, are what we never knew our family was missing. You fit our family so perfectly and I am so grateful God chose you for us.

 

 

I love you,

Mama

 

Monthly Stats

Weight: 11 lbs 3 oz
Height: 24 inches
Diaper Size: ones (you outgrew NB while in the hospital)
Clothes: newborn and 0-3 Month

Barrett's Birth Story - Bringing Home Baby (Part Three)

 

We hugged necks and whispered goodbyes over his purring snore.

We said I'll see you laters to some of the ones who, in the past forty-eight hours,

 had become a part of some of our sweetest memories.

We captured last pictures of the room where he spent his first night.

We dressed him in a white linen frock with delicate blue piping.

The same one that first dressed his brother for his ride home almost three years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then, late on Sunday afternoon, we brought him home.

 

From Friday to Sunday, what a blessing to finally hold him in my arms.

 

 

 

 

Everything was prepared just so.

 

 

His bed so perfectly made,

gowns and cloths and the cutest little socks you ever did see tucked neatly in their place,

a sign over his bed with Elizabeth Barrett Browning's most love-filled sonnet,

all things baby - books, blankets, and washcloths.

Newborn diapers and wipes warmed for changing.

All the creams and powders and lotions that make a baby smell so scrumptious

with skin so soft.

His rocking chair primed for midnight feedings and wondrous daydreams.

 

 

Our home was ready for our boy.

 

 

When we brought him in, I took such joy in something that seems so silly.

I walked Barrett into each room, introducing him to our favorite spots,

where we share our evening meals,

his big brother's bed and favorite hiding nook.

I showed him our favorite books and where we'd cuddle up and read each night.

I walked him to pictures of our favorite memories and told him of the stories behind each, all the while giddy at the memories we would make with him.

 

 

Welcome home, my sweet boy.

Our house is not perfect.

It doesn't belong on the pages of a magazine or decorator's showcase.

There is often laundry beckoning to be folded, dishes waiting to be washed.

There are mess ups and spills.

There are occasional tears and tantrums.

But our house is a home filled with love.

There is forgiveness.

There are tickle fights and the best couch cushion forts you ever did see.

There are blankets for snuggling.

Off of our walls bounce the melodies of songs with made up lyrics and off beat tunes.

There are kitchen dance parties.

There are I love yous.

There is trust and respect.

 

And now, there is you.

How thrilled we are for the one whose presence has filled our heart to finally fill our home.

 

 

Our sweet little sack of sugar has been home for just over three weeks,

and I can't help but wonder how we ever lived without him.

  

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How sweet it is to love you.

And how very sweet it is to be loved by you.

 

Welcome Home, Barrett Bell.

Let the fun of life with two boys begin!!

 

Barrett's Birth Story - Part One

Barrett's Birth Story - Part Two

 

Baker's Birth Story

Barrett meets Baker - Barrett's Birth Story (Part Two)

There are few days in my life that stand out above the rest.

 

The day I was saved by His great grace.

 

The day I wound up in Bryant Denny stadium sitting beside a cute freshman, 

with a beard that would make a grown man jealous

and hair so wavy it made all the girls swoon, 

 and our Roll Tide romance began.

Let me just pause for a moment of silence over that hunk of a creature.

Hubba. Hubba.

 

The day that same good looking fella met me at the end of the aisle and

 put a ring on my finger. Feeling like the happiest girl in the world,

I said I Do to my best friend and got me a forever date.

 

The day we welcomed our Baker Boy into our hearts and first experienced the consuming love of a mother and a father.

 

On the third Friday in May, we met Barrett.

When he was placed on my chest, and I peered into his slate gray eyes,

I knew my life would never be the same.

If the day had stopped there, I would have gone to sleep an incredibly blessed woman, the mother of two precious gifts, and the wife of their adoring daddy.

 

But it didn't.

God, in his infinite goodness, had even greater plans for our day.

Ones that left us praising Him alone. 

 

I had dreamed of this day.

Brian and I had discussed a baby with Baker.

Against his daddy's wishes, we got him a baby doll, Baxter.

Instinctively, he nurtured, and loved, and fed, and diapered, and dressed him.

We talked about the baby growing in mommy's tummy.

We sat in Barrett's rocking chair and dreamed of the day my lap would hold another.

Baker couldn't wait to for the day he could read Little Blue Truck to his little brother and watch me wipe the predictable tears as I read Love You Forever for the billionth time. 

 

Dreams come true.

That's what we hope for.

 

But this time, the dream fell far short.

When Baker first laid his eyes on Barrett, it was more perfect than any dream foretold.

 

 

 

It was love at first sight.

 

This video melts my heart every single time I watch it.

So pure.

So sweet.

So full of love.

Oh my heart, be still.

 

 

 

 

The boys mimicked my goofy grin that threatened to be washed away in the flood spilling down my cheeks.

 

 

  

And my heart threatened to overflow watching the bond between these brothers begin.
 



As we sat in the bed together for the first time as a family of four,

Baker's and Barrett's futures flashed before my eyes.

 

 

 

 

I saw Baker and Barrett playing together,

 

 

 

protecting each other,

 

 

 

scheming against us,

 

 

 

standing up for each other,

  

 

 

 

picking fights and sharing jokes.

 

 

 

 

Loving and laughing and doing life together as brothers. As friends.

 

The celebration continued with a birthday party.

We clapped and sang and ate cupcakes to our hearts delight.

After Baker helped blow out Barrett's candle, we looked around the room and all nodded and smiled the same silly smiles,

agreeing that we just witnessed one of the most spectacular things this side of heaven.

 

God made Baker special, with a heart and a love that knows no boundaries.

Of all the things I hope he teaches his little brother, this one is the greatest.

 

 

 

 

Full.

 

Our home.

Our hands.

Our laps.

Our hearts.

His glory.

 

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,

the whole earth is full of His glory."

Isaiah 6:3

 

 

Barrett's Birth Story (Part One)



On Friday, May 15, 2015, at 12:37 in the afternoon, we met him.

James Barrett Bell.

The one who had already snuck into our hearts

was finally able to snuggle in our arms.  

 

 

 

We didn't know our family needed a second.

At least not yet.

 

Brian and I knew we wanted a house full of children.

Little Bells running amuck,

sneaking cookies before dinnertime,

hiding car keys and remotes,

displacing toys from their homes and scattering them all about every inch of ours,

bowing their heads for bedtime prayers,

sneaking into our room for late night and early morning snuggles,

high fiving and fist bumping and finger pulling in delight,

occupying our hearts and invading our home.

 

But we thought Baker was enough, for now.

He needed us.

We rationalized waiting for a second until Baker was more independent.

We were cautious,

hesitant that another would deter us from meeting Baker's different abilities.

 

But oh how we dreamed of another.

We prayed God's plan to prevail, trusting in His plans over our own.

Our arms craving the warmth of a newborn,

yearning to smell their yummy, scrumptious goodness.

We whispered baby names aloud,

schemed house plans and nursery decor and a big boy room for Baker,

dreaming of one day,

not realizing how differently God's timing and our timing were for that one day.

 

We learned, on a late afternoon in September,

that sometimes the greatest blessings in our lives are also the biggest surprises.

 

The following nine months would consist of unspeakable joy,

faith in a plan bigger and higher and greater than our own,

a little nausea and a lot of growing,

Sour Patch Kids and snuggles from my first baby boy.

 

I started with monthly doctor appointments, then moved to biweekly,

and finally, the time came for us to see each other once a week.

 

I approached each appointment with an unhindered excitement,

my list of aches and worry-filled thoughts silenced in the thunderous booms emanating from the handheld Doppler, monitoring each rhythmic heartbeat.

 

Each visit was memorable,

the first ultrasound to see our little butterbean sized miracle,

and the one proclaiming news of hues of blue,

but the one that sticks out the most vividly came more recently.

 

The plans for Barrett's delivery started the previous Thursday, May 7,

with a midafternoon doctor visit.

 

I visited my doctor for my 38 week appointment.

 Her angel nurse took care of all of the lab stuff,

I got to hear Little Brother's heartbeat -

a strong 137 beats per minute.

I made small talk, and we chit chatted away.

I was measured and progress was noted.

And then the words from my doctor,

"Let's have this baby next Friday."

 

A plan.

This girl loves a plan.

I could sleep in my own bed on Thursday night,

shower and fix my hair and apply my makeup just so on Friday morning.

Drive, unhurriedly, to the hospital.

And proceed from there until my arms were cradling my baby boy.

A plan.

We had a plan, and it sounded pretty great to me.

 

I visited her the next Thursday as well,

at one day shy of 39 weeks.

My appointment was preceded by Baker's first IEP meeting, an appointment to get my nails manicured, a trip to Edgar's bakery to grab some of my favorite sweet treats for my doctor and nurses, a thorough house tidying, and revisiting of packed bags.

Everything was a go for Friday.

I had progressed slightly more, and my doctor anticipated our boy's arrival before one o'clock the next afternoon.

 

In fewer than 24 hours, I would meet him.

My heart could hardly contain my delight!

I squealed in excitement all the way to pick up Baker from school.

 

Brian and I had a fun night planned for our Baker Boy.

We spent the evening culminating the ever-long process of saying goodbye to our only child in his first love language - toy stores, playgrounds, and ice cream.

 

 

 

 

Baker would spend the night with my parents. 

I have never had such a hard time leaving that precious firstborn of mine.

 

We snapped a few last pictures as a family of three,

and excitedly anticipated seeing him for the first time as a big brother!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, Brian and I drove the familiar route to our hospital.

The only events that get me on the road before the sun comes up are Black Friday and birthing a baby.

 

We got checked in around five in the morning.

I loved the busyness of the room from the start.

Nurses bustling about,

family checking in with whispered prayers and lemon drops and kisses on the cheek,

friends calling and texting, eager for updates,

the sound of LB's heartbeat - a calming, rhythmic pur from the machine beside me.

 

The next few hours were filled with an anxious excitement as we grew closer to meeting our boy.

 

 I cherished each contraction, eager to welcome and then will it away as quickly as it began.

 

Brian was vigilant, standing guard, his eyes somehow both glued to the monitor, while never breaking our gaze.

He was the perfect calm through each stormy contraction.

 

Even through the epidural, I could feel them intensifying.

I knew the time was drawing near.

I asked for my purse.

Everyone laughed as I carefully applied lipstick, and then liner, and then gloss.

 

Priorities.

 

Minutes later, my obstetrician visited.

As I anticipated, it was time.

 

Our lives were fixing to be forever changed.

Our hearts were fixing to experience a love like never before.

 

At 12:25, we said our see you laters to the family.

 

I held tightly to Brian's hand through the first contraction.

And then rested in preparation for the second.

Barrett was on his way.

I pushed and I pushed and at 12:37, he was here. 

First his head, with a full head of dark brown hair like his daddy,

then the rest of him, so fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

I heard utterings of a big baby,

a healthy boy.

 

Brian cut the cord, and the day continued as magical as it began.

My boy was placed on my chest, and for the first time,

I held the child in my arms I had held for so many months in my heart.  

My first words, through quivering lips and joy-filled eyes,

"Thank you Jesus for this precious gift that is too wonderful for words."

 

 

 

 

I couldn't break my gaze.

My eyes couldn't be diverted from this little blessing of ours.

 

 

 

 

I fell all over in love again with my husband.

What incredible moments to share with the man I love.

 

 

 

 

 

After several moments, the nurse took him to be weighed and measured.

 

All of our predictions fell far short.

At birth, he weighed 9 pounds and measured 21 inches long.

 

 

 

 

Our big old sack of sugar,

who would soon be affectionately named Little Bear,

had stolen our hearts and changed our lives,

and made us a family of four.

 

 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights."

James 1:17

Stay tuned!
Parts two and three coming soon.

Part Two - Barrett meets Baker
(this is probably the most incredible thing I'll see this side of Heaven)

Part Three - Bringing Home Barrett

Read Baker's birth story here.

Introducing James Barrett Bell!

Our boy is here!

James Barrett Bell

 

He was born on May 15, 2015 at 12:37 in the afternoon,

weighing 9 pounds and measuring 21 inches long.

 

He is here and he is positively scrumptious.

Our hearts are so full.

 

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

39 Weeks and Delivery Day!

 

It's here.

My last bumpdate.

 

This has been the perfect pre-baby week.

My water did not break as I was loading a second grader into his car at dismissal as I had feared,

nor did I lose my marbles halfway through the bread aisle at Publix.

 

I think Baker just knew life would be changing this week.

We snuggled a little extra, read Love You Forever with a little more oomph.

He and Brian had some manly boy time digging up dirt and laying sod and doing all of the other things boys like to do.

 

I wrapped up my school year at work.

And then took care of some fun pampering to get me looking beautiful for my baby boy.

 

Our bags have been packed and packed and packed again,

Baker's big brother presents have been tied with a bow,

a homemade blue wreath boasting the glorious news of a baby boy has been hung on our door,

lists have been checked and double checked,

freezer meals have been made,

monograms have been stitched,

cameras have been charged.

 

We are ready to meet our baby boy.

Oh how ready we are to smooch his little face and squeeze his little stuffing.

 

Today, at 39 weeks, I will be induced and will finally meet the little man I have been carrying below my heart.

And all up in every corner of my heart.

 

He has already permeated every morsel of my being.

I haven't seen his face, or kissed his lips, or snuggled his neck, or held his hand,

 and I already love him with a love so intense it can only be described as a momma's love.

 

Little Brother, you are loved.

You are adored.

You are celebrated.

You are our wish, our answered prayer.

Welcome to this world, my sweet angel.

 

Your mommy, daddy, and big brother are ready to meet you.

Happy Birthday, James Barrett.