Monday, June 2, 2014

What if I failed as a mother?

There are entire days that go by that I forget Baker has Down Syndrome.
It's true.
It hasn't always been that way.
I remember when I couldn't go an entire minute without drowning in the weight of his diagnosis.
I remember being terrified.
As a new mother, I knew so little about so little.
The task of raising a child with special needs seemed overwhelming.
What if I missed a therapy?
What if I was singing when I should be speaking?
What if my pitch was high when it needed to be low?
What if I didn't use sign language early enough?
What if I held him the wrong way?
What if his toys weren't the just right toys for his needs?
What if he wasn't getting enough tummy time?
What if I wasn't timely enough in involving Early Intervention?
What if I read the wrong books and left the right ones untouched.
What if I held him too much?
What if he ate too little?
What if he slept on his stomach instead of his back?
What if I zigged when I should have zagged.
Zipped when I should have zapped?
What if I didn't do everything correctly? Precisely? Perfectly?
The real question was none of those.
And to be honest, it had little to do with Baker's special need.
The real question was what if I failed as a mom?
The job I'd pretended at, the job I'd prayed for, the job I longed to inhabit above all else.
My heart ached at the enormity of it all.
To strive for perfection,
when I am the most imperfect of them all.

I was relieved when, in one of our day-long rocking sessions,
I reread this familiar verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9
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I would fail.
Sweet Jesus, I would fail.
Many times a day.
Many, many times a day.
But I can rest in the strong arms of my Savior,
knowing his power is perfect in my doubt, in my failure, in my weakness.


  1. Oh that is definitely EVERY mother's thoughts! Thank you for this post friend!

  2. I go through this constantly...wanting to be Down Syndrome SuperMom when I have two other chldren with special needs and a disability myself. I had to turn it over and trust in God's provision. That is the verse that gets me through.

  3. I have thought these thoughts about all of my children...special needs or not! Thank God we don't have to be perfect or I'd be in lots and lots of trouble!